i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
