Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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