Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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