Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
