last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
