No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
