the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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