I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
