I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
