Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
