It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
