too bad you live with your parents still
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
