This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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