Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
