I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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