someone threw a dead crab at me
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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