And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
