can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
