When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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