I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize