was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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