apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
