Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
