My balls are so social today.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
