best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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