When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
