drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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