Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
