i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
