remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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