Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize