The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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