Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
