i just sent this text using only my big toe
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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