Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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