Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
