No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
