You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
