Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
