Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
