; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
