Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
