I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
