I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
