I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
