At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
two words: eviction party
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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