I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
