the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
