the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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