I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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