My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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