Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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