i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think people are normalizing furries
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
