I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
