So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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