Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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