I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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