Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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