Do you still have your period?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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