Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
