Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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