I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
