im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
