ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
And then he peed in my hair
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