i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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