1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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