Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I need a beard to bite.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
