He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize