Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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